American Idol’s Rock Night

Summary :

Anyway, last night was American Idol’s Rock Night, and Slash was drafted in to be the guest mentor. Slash did his job extraordinarily well.

So which of the American Idol contestants will be eliminated tomorrow? The American Idol judges didn’t force their opinions on anyone. Ahem.

At this precise moment in time, there are only four American Idol contestants left in the competition. We’ve said goodbye to all the old favourites like Blindy and Monobrow and that completely anonymous woman and now we’re left with American Idol’s creme de la creme. Plus that bloke whose wife died.

If the judges get their way, Kris Allen will get eliminated. If the audience votes honestly, Danny Gokey will go.

When you think rock, chances are you think Slash. And then when you think Slash, you think silly silly hat.

Anyway, last night was American Idol’s Rock Night, and Slash was drafted in to be the guest mentor. Did he do his job? In the sense that he made one of the contestants sound like a wounded dinosaur being forced to participate in a violent bout of prison sex, then yes. Slash did his job extraordinarily well.

So which of the American Idol contestants will be eliminated tomorrow? The American Idol judges didn’t force their opinions on anyone. At all. Ahem.

At this precise moment in time, there are only four American Idol contestants left in the competition. We’ve said goodbye to all the old favourites like Blindy and Monobrow and that completely anonymous woman and now we’re left with American Idol’s creme de la creme. Plus that bloke whose wife died.

And at this point, the American Idol judges already know which two performers they want in the final - Adam Lambert and Danny Gokey. The trouble with this, though, is that they might not get want they want, due to a) Adam Lambert being in the bottom two last week and b) Danny Gokey being an absolute shitcake.

So that’s why everyone knew what’d happen during last night’s American Idol - the judges would fall over themselves praising Adam and Danny, while Kris Allen and Allison Iraheta would be told that their voices had single-handedly given Simon Cowell Ebola of the bum. And that’s exactly what happened, even though Kris Allen and Allison Iraheta were perfectly decent and Danny Gokey chose to make this noise instead of doing any actual singing…

We’ll just have to wait until tonight to see who’ll get the boot from American Idol this week. If the judges get their way, Kris Allen will get eliminated. If the audience votes honestly, Danny Gokey will go. If we have our way, the four American Idol judges plus the entire production team will sign a televised pledge promising that Rock Night was a ghastly mistake that will never be made again, and then they’ll cancel the rest of the season by way of apology

But we shouldn’t judge Danny Gokey for singing like a 1950s housewife who’s just seen a mouse in her kitchen, because this was American Idol Rock Night, and everyone knows that the essence of rock is making a series of wildly jarring noises with your mouth. It’s why Allison Iraheta sounded like an emphysemic woman trying to shout at the moon during her performance of Cry Baby, and it’s why Adam Lambert sang Whole Lotta Love in the style of a man who’d necked a handful of laxatives earlier and was trying desperately to clamp his sphincter shut so he wouldn’t drown the audience with a horrific poo tsunami.

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Our way sounds the best.